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Archive for Worry and Insecurity

Mommy’s Combat Boots Are Heavy – Writer and Soldier Jessica Scott

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Today MamaWriters are incredibly pleased and proud to welcome romance writer, soldier, and mom Jessica Scott to the blog!

She’s recently back from serving in Iraq (where she actually worked on and submitted a manuscript–hel-LO).  She’s returning to her children, her husband (who also served–concurrent with her deployment) and all the trials of being a mom and a wife and a writer and a worker, with the added strain of restitching a family together again.

Let’s give a huge welcome to Jessica Scott!

Mommy’s Combat Boots are Heavy

jessie-scottFirst, I want to thank Kris Kennedy, not only for asking me to guest blog here today but also for having the courage to reach out and ask if I was okay. See her hubby works with military folks and she made it a point of reaching out and offering a shoulder if I needed one. So, Kris, a heartfelt thank you.

See Kris was right. Coming home from Iraq after not seeing my daughters for a year and finally wrapping my arms around them was just the beginning, not the end I thought it was.  It took me exactly three days for the food battles with my oldest to begin again. She refused to eat. Anything, other than peanut butter and jelly, scrambled eggs and cheese sticks. (There were a few other things but not many.) It took a week for the major tantrums to start.

And it took three weeks for me to reach the end of my rope. I can’t tell you how it feels to sit in a dark room and cry, wondering why I’d ever gone to Iraq, how I was going to be anything even close to resembling a good mom again or how I was even going to get through the next morning without one or both of the girls melting down. And I can’t describe the absolute guilt that I felt for even considering the thought that life was easier in Iraq.

But I buckled down and I asked for help and gradually, things have been getting better. My oldest is trying food, graduating from at least putting it in her mouth to swallowing 1 bite of everything. We’re making progress.

I’m making progress. I’ve found a new source of patience. I’ve stayed calmer and if I’m late for work, then I’m late for work.

The most difficult thing about being a soldier and a mommy is the constant war inside me. There shouldn’t be one. My kids should be and are my priority in life but I can’t help but feel like my duties are not being fulfilled as best they could if I was something other than who I am. But I’m not. I do the very best I can at my job as my company executive officer and my commander is amazing and understanding.

The hardest part about coming home from Iraq and resuming my mommy duties is the guilt that I have about needing time for myself. I don’t get it unless I’m up at 5 am, working out in my garage before the kids get up. Because once they’re up, I’m not off duty again until after 7 pm. There is no me time and I feel selfish and guilty that I even want it. I had a whole year of me time in Iraq (more or less). I shouldn’t need more and I damn sure shouldn’t want more. But I do. And I wrestle with that need.

But things are getting better. I find that keeping things simple makes all the difference in the world. So no matter how tired I am, I make lunch the night before. I have pancake mix in the fridge, ready to go for whatever the kids decide they want for breakfast.

And I sneak in writing whenever I can, which is usually on my lunch break sitting in my car on my laptop. We’re getting through and we’re finding what our new normal is. I’m learning what my normal is and I’m learning myself as mommy, XO, wife and writer all over again. I’m turning into someone else. I am not the same as I was before Iraq or during. I am changing and hopefully, learning and growing from my experiences, into a better mom, person and soldier.

If I can, a little shameless self promotion. I’m going to be part of the PBS POV blog Regarding War: Women on War. The link is http://www.pbs.org/pov/regardingwar/ and the Women on War segment should launch later this week. If you’re interested in some more of my thoughts on war and women, please feel free to stop by. The blog runs between now and April.

Thanks for having me here today! Tell me, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Or the toughest lesson you ever had to learn?

(P.S. From Kris: Jess’s website is: http://jessicascott.net/Welcome.html

She also runs Romance Roll Call, a military romance blog: http://romancerollcall.com/

And you can find her on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/JessicaScott09

You Be the Judge

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Judging writing contests has become a real love/hate relationship for me.

Love, because it’s my chance to read without guilt…after all, I HAVE to do it, people are counting on me!!

Hate, because – always —  I feel I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, with a stack of books I have to read and not enough time to get my reading and my own writing done.   Because each time I start to read someone’s work, I end up wondering what makes me think I’m in any way qualified to judge their art.

Do I count point of view switches as more important than back story?  Should I worry about whether or not the author started in the right place?  Too many instances of passive voice?  Heroine’s motivation not believable?     

It was 3:45 in the morning and I was bleary-eyed, reading my second book of the day trying to finish all the books I’m judging for the RITA contest when it happened.  I had one of those interesting writer-epiphany moments.

I’ve been looking at this judging stuff all wrong!

The book lying in my lap is in a completely new-to-me category, one I’ve never judged in before.  I’ve found all sorts of little technical problems  – point of view is all over the place and the heroine is annoying the heck out of me.   

And yet… it’s 3:45 in the morning, I can barely keep my eyes open, and I don’t want to put the book down yet.  Not until I find out what’s going to happen next.

And THAT was my epiphany.  An “exceptional” book, one I want to keep reading, one I’ll end up telling someone else they need to read, isn’t about the technical imperfections.  I’ve judged books that were technically perfect but were sheer torture to finish because they were so boring.

No, for me, an “exceptional” book is all about the story.   It’s when the author is telling me that story, drawing me in so that I can see myself in the places they describe, visualize the characters and feel the action around me.  It’s when I forget which character’s head I’m supposed to be in and want nothing more than to know what all the characters are thinking and what’s going to happen next.… THAT’S a great read.

And THAT is really all I need to know when I’m judging.  Do I love it or do I simply like it?  Did it keep me up until 3:45 in the morning wanting to know what happens next or could I hardly wait to be done so I didn’t have to read any more?

Of course, that’s MY take on it.  No matter what criteria we may try to use, bottom line, judging is a very personal, very subjective activity, because what I love and what you love could very likely be two different things.

After all, we’re readers!

As readers, we each make that judgment call every time we pick up a new book.  I’ve shared what it is that I look for in a good book, now it’s YOUR turn.  What is it in a book that makes you love it enough to buy the author’s whole backlist and tell all your friends about it?

 MELISSA MAYHUE writes award-winning paranormal romance for Pocket Books, all set in an imaginary world of Faeries and Mortals. Her fifth book, A HIGHLANDER’s DESTINY released on December 29 and her sixth, A HIGHLANDER’S HOMECOMING, hit stores on January 26, 2010.

You can visit her on the web at: www.MelissaMayhue.com or come Twitter with her at www.Twitter.com/MelissaMayhue

Watching Them Grow: Our Children and Our Skills

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

Nothing can stop him . . .         June, 2010

Nothing can stop him . . . June, 2010

A topic discussed by a visiting author yesterday on the Happy Endings blog of our fabulous webmistress and fellow MamaWriter Jeannie Ruesch, prompted me to think about this.

Occasionally I bore you all terribly by reflecting on opine about how being a mother and a writer are alike.  And somehow, I’d missed one of the most obvious, perhaps because it is so obvious: Growth.

Our kids grow and our writing grows. Or rather, our skillfulness as a writer increases (hopefully!)   Like watching our kids grow, though, it happens so gradually that often we barely notice it’s happening.

With our kids, we have ‘markers,’ moments where we pause, when we recognize and celebrate growth.

Our children get bigger, stronger, smarter, more loving and insightful, more capable and engaged in the world around them.  And we measure that with pencil marks on the wall, and ohh and ahh over the fact that it’s not two inches higher than it was before.  We have little rituals and thresholds to mark different kinds of growth, some very social and culturally-common, some specific to our own families.

We have graduations, whether it be kindergarten or college, and birthday celebrations.  We go through old clothes, shaking our heads and thinking, “I can’t even imagine him being that small.”  We tell our children stories that begin,  “I remember  when you were only. . . ” and end with “. . . And look at you now!”  We get out pictures and reminisce, out loud and in our minds.

In our house, each year, at birthday time, our child gets to pick out one new ‘privilege’ and one new ‘responsibility’ (chore) that he wants to have for the year.  A year older means a year more capable, which brings freedoms and responsibilities.  Of course, these morph over the year, and we change, remove and add as needed, but it’s the ‘marking’ that matters, the pause and acknowledgment that yes, you’ve grown, and we notice.

England, 1152: After seventeen years of civil war, things are about to change...

England, 1152: After seventeen years of civil war, things are about to change...and we notice.

We are growing too, though, as writers.  Maybe we should be marking that as well.   As we write, and become more skilled craftswomen, maybe we should be sure to mark the change.

And maybe we should nurture it, the way we nurture our children, so it can thrive.

How about you?  How do you celebrate growth in your families?  And do you ever mark your won growth as a writer?

Kris Kennedy writes sexy, adventure-filled medieval romances for Kensington and Pocket Books.  Her debut book,THE CONQUEROR, came out May ‘09.  Her second, THE IRISH WARRIOR, winner of the 2008 Golden Heart Award for Best Historical Romance, releases June ‘10.  She loves hearing from readers–stop by her website, sign up for her newsletter, and say Hi!

Recession @ Home… and other news

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Hey mamas, it’s rubber meets road time. I’m writing, and staying at home with the munchkins, scrabbling for time and missing my write goals left and right.

Remember when we opened up credit cards, willy nilly? Remember when the bills came, and the head scratching began–as we stared at the balance, wondering how we had 10 maxed out, $1,000 limit credit cards? A closet full of clothes that would be out of style in 6 months? A leased car? Does any of this sound familiar? or is it just me…

Of course, that was years ago. Pre hubby. Pre children. But that was my foundation. I laid that down, built “who I was” on that debt-mentality before I married Mr. Tight Wallet. Thank the LORD I did. He wrangled me in, made me think of the consequences of spending until I hate to say it, I’ve gone a little overboard the other way…

At any rate, SO, I was struck by an article the other day — and wrote a little rebuttal of things someone in New York decided they could live without. I found out a few things. One, we’re all facing the same stuff — we have to change the way we live our lives. We have to change the way we think. Otherwise, our kids will grow up as naive as we were, and they’ll end up making the same mistakes that we did.
The original article is linked here:

What do you really need?

You can link to what he said, in the original article above… but, this is stuff I can live without. How about you?

1. Monthly Payments: The only thing we’re paying off monthly, is the car. Poor hubby desperately needs a new one. Gotta wait!

2. Window Shopping: I disagree with this one. Window shopping has always been my thing. Ever since I married my DH – the act of buying hasn’t been nearly as much fun. After kids, it became an escape. Now – it’s due to abject terror of above “Monthly Payment.”

3. Bells & Whistles: Those of you who know me know that I have YET to get either a cell phone that can handle FaceBook, Twitter, etc. or an e-reader, even though I write e-books.

4. Clutter: Clutter patrol is a biggie over here. I lament the loss of my housekeeper as I scrub tile grout. I clean clutter, store it, file it, now that I have time at home. Writing, however, is suffering due to my sudden need to see the counter tops. Now, this is an idea I can learn from as soon as my edits are finished. Look for stuff sell online. I certainly buy enough looking for online deals!

5. Cable TV: This is one my hubby won’t budge on. We get DirectTV, and football, baseball packages are his getaway. Can’t ask him to cut back there unless I cut back on my hair. WON’T HAPPEN. See above, look for stuff to sell. Must pay for hair. That is all.

6. Home Phone: Point of current conversation. COULD we reduce our costs by getting rid of the $80 a month phone bill? Could I get a better cell phone with no home phone? Who actually calls us on the home phone anyway? Hmmm. If it could help hubby get baseball package, perhaps we’ll say bye bye to the land line…

7. Privacy: Angels and ministers of grace, defend us! Privacy isn’t one we’re ready to give up on. The worst case scenario would be we give up the house, put everything in storage or sell it (gulp!), and move to Arizona or Arkansas. Um. See again, gulp. God, help us. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE… we are sharing vacations with friends. Going to jam mountain cabins and beach condos with family and friends… I’m willing to sacrifice some privacy for some fun… DON’T Even want to think about the other. Yet.

8. Prepared Foods: On FaceBook the other day I made mention that I was going on strike to watch Julie and Julia. It renewed my faith in two things. Mommy Quiet Time and Cooking. I’ve been cooking ever since. I love to bake. I love to cook. Prepared foods are what Julia Childs fought against! So, yes, I’m up for this.

9. Tupperware Parties: WHO does this guy think he’s kidding? Home Parties have changed in SoCal. We’re having GOLD parties. Leaving with more money than we came with. I’ll be happy to host book exchanges, recipe/cooking parties, and things that aer otherwise constructive. Having home decorator and jewelry parties…it’s over. So 90s.

10. Packaged Cigarettes: Don’t Smoke. Hope you don’t, either! Wine – though. I’m always looking for an EXCELLENT, under 6.00 bottle. Will take suggestions.

11. Lattes: ONLY on very special occasions will I have a Latte. I’ve switched to Mistos when I have to meet a friend for coffee, once a week. We make sure we talk business, and save the receipt! Mistos at starbucks are steamed milk and coffee, and about $2 cheaper.

12. Guilt: His take was on guiltily purchasing the latest technology. ugh. iPad.I’m poning for one. (Daughter #1’s word for MUST HAVE NOW.) Yeah. I saw the iPad. It made me pone. I needed it yesterday. I longingly thought on it for most of the day. Then I got over it. For now. I’ve initiated the “Wait for 30-60-90 days” principle. The one I’m still using to NOT buy a Kindle.

Guilt is for the birds. Yes, my cell phone has been dropped more than even I care to mention. It’s chipped. Old. It doesn’t flip out a little keyboard. It has a double touch text – and I often I text unintelligible words instead of what I “MEANT” To say. However, I have a cheap plan through Tmobile. I’m PONING for an iPad… but, I have a Samsung Blast and the right to change my mind whenever I feel like it. And that equals bliss. For now. Really.

13. Extra Calories: SO, eating out — well, it’s only a once in a great while thing anyway. When DD#2 was young, she took off at The Outback Steakhouse, running free and wild around the entire restaurant screaming at the top of her lungs. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from that yet, even though that was two years ago.

14. Newspapers & Magazines: Newspapers. Well, we did this. We canceled our subscription to the San Diego Union Tribune. Sorry, SD. We live just north of North County — so, there you go.

Magazines — this is a good one. My dad has been purchasing our favorite magazine (Sunset) as a Christmas gift for many years. We, in turn, give my mother Entertainment Magazine, and send Sunset on to my BFF up in Los Angeles. A cheap gift, but one that can be enjoyed all year long. I am allowed one family magazine – because I got in at the beginning and the price is negligible. I no longer buy magazines at the checkout lines, and since shopping’s at a stand still, there’s no more need for having THE LATEST FASHIONS. I’d rather save $$ and have my hair done.

15. Healthcare: Okay. Here we go. We have what’s called a “Health Savings Account.” It’s a bank account with an auto-payment to potential future medical expenses. We know we’re in for a health-care change in April, when severance is over, and Cobra begins. It’s an unknown. We have a higher deductible, but health is important. It’s all you’ve got. Even the old saying, “Well, you’ve still got your health!” — so remember, don’t skimp on your body. It’s your temple. It’s all you came into this world with. That’s all I’m sayin’.

16. New Gifts: Well, this is one I haven’t heard from before. Haul stuff out of the re-gifting closet and have a re-gifting party. Hmm. I think I might have to try this one out and let you know how it goes…

17. New Cars: I mentioned this already. Yeah. No budget = no new truck for hubby this year. Sorry, sweetie. Looks like the Ford F150 will see 100k after all. Keep oil in it. Next.

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Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff: Or, Margins Don’t Matter (Much)

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Nothing can stop him . . .         June, 2010

Nothing can stop him . . . June, 2010

Yes, another post on the topic of not sweating the things that just don’t matter.  Why, you ask?  Because I do just that, of course.   But here, I’m talking the submission stuff that just doesn’t matter, but that we often waste valuable time and energy worrying about.

(Now, if it wasted sufficient calories, I might actually suggest it.  But it’s negligible, really.)

My agent now takes care of all the things that make a submission look good, such as a potent sales pitch (otherwise known as a ‘query’–don’t forget that, and confuse a query with something silly like ‘tell them what my story is about’.  No, No.  It’s a sale pitch.  Hook ‘em.)

And my editors want a synopsis and sample pages for as-as-yet uncontracted &/or contracted-but-not-yet-written books.

Here’s what they care about: Story arc; Strong conflict; characters who have story-important things to do, like outwit bad guys and come to find trust their own inner strengths and thereby, be ready for real challenge: living someone for the next 40 years.

Mostly, they care about writing that hooks them and pulls them along.  They care about how the story simultaneously ‘stands out’ and ‘fits in’ on a shelf somewhere, and who knows who they do this unquantifiable and yet somehow mathematical computation.  (Aside: This amazes me.  Yes, they may be wrong sometimes.  But they are also quite good at it, whereas I am terrible at marketing-type things, so I want my editors to do this.)

What agents and editors do NOT care about are precise margin measurements.

They do not care about fonts, except that they’re easy to read.

They do not care about paper weight or proper headers, so long as they are numbered with contact information readily available.

They do not care about whether your bio paragraph comes first or last (There are wonderful agent blogs suggesting where to place it, and why.   You should definitely understand the reasoning behind these suggestions, so you can decide for yourself where to put it in your query. But in the end, the do not care.  It’s not a thing that matters.)

(Nor do editors and agents care how much you as a human grew during the writing of the book, or how much your critique partners or beta readers loved it, so don’t put that in there either, but I digress.)

England, 1152: After seventeen years of civil war, things are about to change...

England, 1152: After seventeen years of civil war, things are about to change...

Therefore, you should not care either.

Writing contests can be incredibly valuable tools to teach new writers the basic protocols for manuscript writing and submission.  They can be wonderful ways for more experienced writers to get feedback on their works-in-progress from non-friend/crit partner sources.  But bear this in mind; they are not the Ultimate Truth of Manuscript Submission or Story. They are the proving grounds, where you and your story can get blown up a few times.  They are not the real battle.  That is faced day-to-day, in refining your craftsmanship of Storytelling in the modern age.

So, when you’re submitting, don’t sweat the small stuff like margins and whatnot.

Use your query as a sales pitch, and concern yourself with a constructing and writing a great story.  Strong conflict, increasing tension, external events and personal goals which force the protagonists into facing their worst inner fears, and characters who we care about.   Compelling writing.

Margins just don’t matter (much).

Kris Kennedy writes sexy, adventure-filled medieval romances for Kensington and Pocket Books.  Her debut book,THE CONQUEROR, came out May ’09.  Her second, THE IRISH WARRIOR, winner of the 2008 Golden Heart Award for Best Historical Romance, releases June ’10.  She loves hearing from readers–stop by her website, sign up for her newsletter, and say Hi!

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