The past three years have not been good for a number of our friends–well, I guess that depends on which one you ask LOL.
I think we are now up to four couples whose marriages have ended in the last three years. And I’m not talking the under five year percentage either. I’m talking the over 15 and close to twenty years married percentage. And we never saw any of them coming.
To be fair, we don’t live close to any but have been in constant contact and/or the occasional visits so no, we don’t know the day to day grind they went through, but still no mention during weekly telephone calls or anything.
The last one just happened a couple weeks ago and it still bothers me. I know things like this usually have a ‘build’ for quite awhile–that’s the part we don’t see but still, it makes you worried. Is Real romance still alive or does it fade out and fizzle as life progresses? Do we marry with the blind thought that yeah, I’d like to make babies with this guy for awhile or sure, she’ll do for now??
As writers, for the most part, we write about the new relationship, couples meeting for the first time or getting back together after long absences–the initial romance. Not many write about ten, twenty years down the line. Is that because the romance has worn off? Do children, a mortgage and society’s pressures kill the romance, that electrical start to a couple. Does it, for lack of a better word, really just fizzle out?
My husband and I are going on our 12th year of marriage and I’ll tell you right now, if he came up to me and said it was over, I would be totally blindsided. We’re not perfect, but still, we seem to work things out and accept each other for who we are etc etc etc. We have similiar thoughts and theories on raising our children, family etc and those haven’t changed (although I think this baseball season might affect that LOL as both boys are on house league and aiming for the rep league too, meaning most night this summer will be on a ball field)
I must say though, I’m not overly worried at the moment for me though, not when my husband comes up to me in the kitchen, turns me around, stares me straight in the eye and says, “I love you. No, I mean I really love you,” and gives me a big bear hug just before announcing the demise of the most recent friends’ marriage. I feel bad for them, I do, but I can’t help being thankful that romance, at least in my home, is still very much alive!
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I’ve been married 29 years now. We’ve had our ups and downs over the year, mostly the stresses of raising children and tryin to maintain a home. Like you, we spent many a night together on the bleachers at one of our son’s baseball games. We also went camping and did other activities with the boys when they were in scouts. But now they’re grown, so we don’t have kids keeping us together. But we truly, truly do still love each other after all these years and I don’t see it fading ever, just growing stronger as the years go by.
I think romance writers mostly write about that initial stage of romantic love because it is exciting and uncertain, but really, so are most marriages at one point or another.
Twitter: KrisKennedy
says:
Stacy,
It’s true, how hard it is to make a marriage work. Sounds like you and your hubby have a strong marriage that will weather the storms.
I’m so happy to hear that other love is still out there, that we’re not becoming extinct
My hubby and I are almost to our 8th anniversary. We knew each other for 3 years before we got married. And actually, since we met online, I think we were able to really get to know each other better than some
Is marriage work? You better believe it, but my heart still melts when he brings me home chocolate when I’ve gotten a rejection letter or when he rids the room of spiders before bedtime 
You have to take the good with the bad and be thankful.
I truly don’t think romance is dead. I’ve been married once before and have enjoyed (still enjoying) a seventeen-year long relationship. Susan has nailed it, I think, about romance writers writing about the initial ‘romantic love’ which is so exciting. I love to see enduring marriages or relationships. As long as the bad is outweighed by the good, I think true love and respect can ride out the storms. Perhaps these love stories are more for the family sagas than the category romances?
My parents legally separated this month after 24 years of marriage. For someone who sobbed after a first cousin’s wife left him, you can imagine my reaction to this. It definitely made me, very happily married despite financial hardship and a battle against infertility, feel like the minority. Thank you for this article. Glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way
My husband and I have been married nearly thirty-one years and people are amazed when they find out that we only knew each other three months before we got married. We clicked then and now all this time later…we still do. It hasn’t been easy and there have been times when I would’ve cheerfully pinched his head off over some silly thing or another. He’s seen me at my very worst and when I had a health scare and had to be rushed to the hospital, he stood over me and cried. I know he loves me. I can’t explain that elusive, magical thing between us. I just know that it exists.
True romance is still out there. My Mom and Dad were married almost 52 yrs when he passed away from cancer in 92. My sister and her husband have been married 50 yrs and still very happy and just became grandparents last yr. My brother and his wife were married 36 yrs when he passed away in 03 of cancer and they were very happy with 3 children and 2 of the 6 grand kids were born before he died. I had aunts and uncles who have were married 50-60 yrs and still loved each other. I have 6 cousins who have all been married over 50 yrs who are still very happy so romance is not dead. A lot of couples do not realize you have to work at making a marriage work. It does not just happen.
I married the wrong guy and almost 23 yrs later we divorced in 86. But I still believe in romance and real love.
All of these people are or were christians and think this is why their marriage’s were happy.
Twitter: halbal_here
says:
I have seen with my friends, too; whether they married for the wrong reasons or started living separate lives. My husband will come home from adult softball league games or some other night out “with the guys”, and he will hug me hard and tell me how lucky we are. Obviously he heard the other men talking (complaining) about their wives or indicating they don’t do much together. I don’t understand it. Why are you married? Did kids drive them apart? Did they have a hard time letting go of activities they did when single? Are they just lazy?
I think a bit of everything. But the thing I think that was lacking for them the whole time WAS romance. I think once you have it in the beginning, you will always have it. It might not be on the surface, glowing and radiant like the day you fell in love, but it is there somewhere under the layers of life. It is one of the things that catapults a relationship in the right direction. However, it is one of the hardest things to keep alive. Wouldn’t it be great to be in the same emotional high you were in with your spouse during the courting (not really a word in our society anymore but for lack of a worthy replacement, I am using it) phase? I say bring back the “courting” rituals and you will see romance thrive again. Great post! Got me thinking!
I think people need to remember marriage is about comprise for both partners.
Growing up, I was surrounded by friends who came from married couples. I got to college and out of my four best friends I was the only one who still had parents married to each other. I felt a bit self-conscious about not having to deal with two different sets of parents.
In the last year, I’ve seen two different acquaintances get divorces. In one I knew the female and in the other the male. Basically both marriages broke up because the male told the female he didn’t love them anymore. And then the male is surprised/unhappy when the divorce is announced. My male friend said he was trying to be honest with how he felt/saw the marriage heading in different directions. He didn’t expect the divorce. I told him women tend to react very badly to being told they aren’t loved anymore.
I think if he expected to still be married he should have used other words to express his feelings. But I can see how men get mixed messages. They are told to express their feelings and then get trounced on when they do.
This is great! I think a number of you have hit on some very valid points including communication, compromise and my favorite–courting. Hey…the three ‘C’s of a good relationship…maybe I’ll use this as fodder for another blog LOL