Today MamaWriters are incredibly pleased and proud to welcome romance writer, soldier, and mom Jessica Scott to the blog!

She’s recently back from serving in Iraq (where she actually worked on and submitted a manuscript–hel-LO).  She’s returning to her children, her husband (who also served–concurrent with her deployment) and all the trials of being a mom and a wife and a writer and a worker, with the added strain of restitching a family together again.

Let’s give a huge welcome to Jessica Scott!

Mommy’s Combat Boots are Heavy

jessie-scottFirst, I want to thank Kris Kennedy, not only for asking me to guest blog here today but also for having the courage to reach out and ask if I was okay. See her hubby works with military folks and she made it a point of reaching out and offering a shoulder if I needed one. So, Kris, a heartfelt thank you.

See Kris was right. Coming home from Iraq after not seeing my daughters for a year and finally wrapping my arms around them was just the beginning, not the end I thought it was.  It took me exactly three days for the food battles with my oldest to begin again. She refused to eat. Anything, other than peanut butter and jelly, scrambled eggs and cheese sticks. (There were a few other things but not many.) It took a week for the major tantrums to start.

And it took three weeks for me to reach the end of my rope. I can’t tell you how it feels to sit in a dark room and cry, wondering why I’d ever gone to Iraq, how I was going to be anything even close to resembling a good mom again or how I was even going to get through the next morning without one or both of the girls melting down. And I can’t describe the absolute guilt that I felt for even considering the thought that life was easier in Iraq.

But I buckled down and I asked for help and gradually, things have been getting better. My oldest is trying food, graduating from at least putting it in her mouth to swallowing 1 bite of everything. We’re making progress.

I’m making progress. I’ve found a new source of patience. I’ve stayed calmer and if I’m late for work, then I’m late for work.

The most difficult thing about being a soldier and a mommy is the constant war inside me. There shouldn’t be one. My kids should be and are my priority in life but I can’t help but feel like my duties are not being fulfilled as best they could if I was something other than who I am. But I’m not. I do the very best I can at my job as my company executive officer and my commander is amazing and understanding.

The hardest part about coming home from Iraq and resuming my mommy duties is the guilt that I have about needing time for myself. I don’t get it unless I’m up at 5 am, working out in my garage before the kids get up. Because once they’re up, I’m not off duty again until after 7 pm. There is no me time and I feel selfish and guilty that I even want it. I had a whole year of me time in Iraq (more or less). I shouldn’t need more and I damn sure shouldn’t want more. But I do. And I wrestle with that need.

But things are getting better. I find that keeping things simple makes all the difference in the world. So no matter how tired I am, I make lunch the night before. I have pancake mix in the fridge, ready to go for whatever the kids decide they want for breakfast.

And I sneak in writing whenever I can, which is usually on my lunch break sitting in my car on my laptop. We’re getting through and we’re finding what our new normal is. I’m learning what my normal is and I’m learning myself as mommy, XO, wife and writer all over again. I’m turning into someone else. I am not the same as I was before Iraq or during. I am changing and hopefully, learning and growing from my experiences, into a better mom, person and soldier.

If I can, a little shameless self promotion. I’m going to be part of the PBS POV blog Regarding War: Women on War. The link is http://www.pbs.org/pov/regardingwar/ and the Women on War segment should launch later this week. If you’re interested in some more of my thoughts on war and women, please feel free to stop by. The blog runs between now and April.

Thanks for having me here today! Tell me, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Or the toughest lesson you ever had to learn?

(P.S. From Kris: Jess’s website is: http://jessicascott.net/Welcome.html

She also runs Romance Roll Call, a military romance blog: http://romancerollcall.com/

And you can find her on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/JessicaScott09