
Jaycee Dugard at 11 yrs old
This past week, I’ve watched a miracle unfold. A child kidnapped at the age of 11 was found. Alive. And did I mention that it’s been 18 years since she was taken?
You have probably heard the story of Jaycee Dugard by now. It’s an amazing, sad and wonderful tale all at the same time. Jaycee Dugard was snatched off the streets of Lake Tahoe, California in 1991. Years of searching and investigations led to nothing. Then, her kidnapper was seen on the campus of UC Berkeley with two children and appeared suspicious to the UCB cop who spotted them. Due to her intuition and the followup of the man’s parole officer, he admitted to kidnapping the young girl in 1991.
What Jaycee has been through is heartbreaking, and the miracle for her discovery is remarkable. In the years she was with her kidnappers, she lived in shacks and tents in the backyard of their property. She bore two children (when she was still a child herself) to the man who kidnapped her. Those children have never been to a doctor, to school. My heart goes out to Jaycee and her children, and I pray that they are able to find a way to build a normal life.
And oddly enough, this topic–and my post today– was on my mind before Jaycee’s story broke. Just last week, my son and I went out to run errands. We went to the bank, to Target, to the grocery store and a few other places, and because he was being so good, we stopped at Baskin and Robbins for a scoop of ice cream. Everywhere we went, everyone we saw, he waved and said hello. He smiled his beautiful little boy grin and charmed the pants off of everyone.
And it made me think.
When am I supposed to tell him not to talk to strangers? When am I supposed to tell him that there are bad people out there and that he needs to be cautious? I love that he lives in a safe and secure world right now, where every person he sees is just a friendly face. I love that he doesn’t see the parts of the world yet that as parents (and writers) we know exist — the bad and the pure ugly.
Jaycee was eleven years old when she was snatched by a stranger. My son is three. The thought of him being taken…well, like any parent, it’s my worst nightmare. I want to protect him, I want to keep him safe and I will do whatever it takes to keep him safe. And yet I mourn the fact that I have to do that. There are so many ways that children grow up in an instant. Mistakes are made and they lose a little of their childhood. Parents divorce, people die, pets die, and so many other things that start to chip away at the innocent, uncomplicated light in their eyes.
When the day comes, I have to assume I will know it’s right and I will tell him to be safe. I will tell him what he needs to know. I do wonder… after that, the next time we are running errands, instead of offering a big “Hi!” and a wave to every person he sees, will he act differently? Will he feel different? Compared to the tragedies that would face him if he wasn’t aware, though, it’s a small price to pay.



Twitter: KrisKennedy
says:
I imagine that’s a conversation happening in families across the country the last few days.
I agree, we’re balancing the risk of teaching our kids to be fearful, vs. the risk of not recognizing potential danger.
One thing is I know is that abductions by strangers are not common at all. But there are other, more likely risks that our children get exposed to as they get older.
I feel so strange even thinking about these things, b/c this isn’t how I live my life, worrying about stuff you see on the news. But . . . I’ll bet my mom did, when I was young, at least to some extent.
If it’s your first child, or eldest child, it’s so strange to start thinking along these lines. We’re so used to them being with us, & therefore safe.
But as they get older, they start visiting friends without us. They are sometimes out of adults’ sight, in different homes with different set-ups and norms. Around older kids.
Just in the past couple months, I’ve started talking w/ my son about what to do if a friend brings out a gun (gasp, sickening drop in my belly) or someone offers him a pill or candy, etc., or if someone brings out matches to play with, etc etc. My son is older than yours, Jeannie, but not by much.
I keep the conversations light, simple, chat about what to do, but then I playfully have him rehearse what he would say & do. I think that’s super important. Keeping things light, matter-of-fact, but practice.
One thing we know is if you practice the behaviors you want to be doing–not just talk about them, but say the words (No!), do the body movements (i.e. run away)– you’re MUCH more likely to actually do them in the situation.
Somehow, we have to figure out how to juggle the realities of danger and joy that are out there in the world, then pass that on to our kids.
Me, I’m still working on that one.
Twitter: jeannieruesch
says:
Kris, teaching the words and motions and having him act it out is a great idea. I live in a very small town where children walk to school, they play on the streets and parents feel safe…and yet it just takes one instance for all that to change.
And as you said, it’s about teaching them how to act when they aren’t with us. Right now, the chances of my son NOT being with me, or his father, or another careful, loving adult are ‘nil. But that will change and there will come the time when we need to prepare him to make good and safe choices when we’re not around.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts…definitely gives me some direction on how to approach my son when the time comes.
Twitter: KrisKennedy
says:
Jeez, I had a lot to say.
That was long.
Hi Jeannie
Your post was very touching and made me think of something I had to think of. My kids sound a lot your son- big ole hambones lol- But you’re right it’s a reality we need to face.
Times aren’t like they were when I was young. Shoot, my paernts let my borthers and I walk from our house in the country to our school about 2 miles away. Would I let my kids do that today….not just no, but heck no. It won’t happen. Sure it’s a small town I grew up in, but it ain’t 1989 anymore. LOL
Twitter: jeannieruesch
says:
Hey Sarah…. Yes, I think we could definitely have a “how different the world is from when I was a child” discussion! LOL
When I was young, my brother and I left our house early in the morning and didn’t return until dinner time…. my parents had a vague idea of where we probably were, but not always. We were roaming the neighborhood, roaming the many acres of open park and quarry land that was behind our house.
Although I have to wonder…is it TRULY that there are more terrible things done to children today or is it more than we have a wider capability of knowing all the things done from different parts of the country and the world? The internet didn’t exist when I was little… newspapers reigned and the chances of a story becoming national meant it was HUGE… so I wonder if every neighborhood had the same problems they do today, we’re just more aware of them.
Twitter: wiremamma
says:
Jeannie,
What a great subject for the day. It’s so hard to figure…but it’s never too early to plant a seed of caution – in my opinion. I live in my imagination, and know that 99% of what we worry about will never come to pass.
Personally, I got freaked out my first time when I had my oldest in the shopping cart, and a creepy guy started following us around the grocery store – asking what kind of formula we used with her and why.
I drove home in the most RANDOM way, making all kinds of stops, out of fear that someone would follow us home.
Now, she’s 5 1/2 and goes to play with her friends; I’ve taught her to be wary (not scared – but wary) of strangers, and if anyone offers her candy or a ride to scream “You’re a stranger!” and run home as fast as she can.
This method worked in our city last year when a registered pedophile attempted to take a middle school girl. Talk about terrifying.
On a lighter note, my 3 yo doesn’t quite get the concept. She’s so outgoing, and always asks everyone their name. So, I regularly discuss the concept of stranger danger.
Now, she hangs out the window and says “I’m not supposed to talk to you. I’M a stranger to YOU.”
At least SOMETHING sunk in!
Thanks, Jeannie – for bringing up this tough topic. Our prayers are with Jaycee’s family as well. You rock, mama.
~Ashley
Twitter: KrisKennedy
says:
Your daughter’s got it, Ash! Well done.
Twitter: jeannieruesch
says:
LOL at your little one, Ash.
I know our conversations are coming closer and it’s great to hear how other mamas have handled this along the way. It’s like anything else, we do our research, we look for the most effective ways of showing something and learn. He’ll be learning safety secrets, and I’ll be learning how to teach my son.
Twitter: wiremamma
says:
Jeannie — (And all…) I think there’s a fine line between teaching your kids to be aware, and teaching them to be afraid. Lengthening the tether, and letting them fly…
Every child learns differently. Some by doing, some by seeing, touching, or hearing. So, you have to meet them at a place they can understand, regardless of age.
My big sis just dropped her oldest off at college — (who currently is snoozing in my guest room) — she calls all the time to make sure I’m doing enough for him!
I don’t think it EVER gets easier!! or does it?!?
This is a very timely post. I have been wondering the same thing myself. You want to protect your children, but not take away their natural inclination to friendliness.
When we were waiting to adopt our son, we went to the doctor’s for a physical that was required for the adoption. There was a baby, about 4 months old, there with his mother.
They were safely across the room, but I pointed him out to my hubby and said how cute he was. Well, the mother started turning him away from us and saying to the baby, “Stranger danger. STRANGER DANGER!”
I was like: Wow. That is toooo young to scare a child, IMO.
Now, I don’t know what happened to this woman in her life and what might have led her to be this protective. So, I really don’t want to judge. But I also was concerned she would scare this baby away from everyone by the time he was two.
So, where is the balance? It’s a hard line to draw.
Thanks for the thought provoking post, Jeannie!
Renee
Twitter: jeannieruesch
says:
Wow, 4 months old!?!? I can’t imagine expressing that kind of fear to my son at 4 months. IA, though, it’s hard to know what that woman has been through or the motivations behind her choices so it’s impossible to say it was a wrong choice for her.
I realized after our day of errands that discussions would have to come soon with my son… While I love his friendliness and I love his big, open smile, he’ll have to learn –just as I teach him not to take a head dive off the jungle gym– that there are times to be wary ( I think that’s a good word) and to be safe.
4 months old is too soon!!! and IMO the woman was being rude too…
Smile and say thank you…seriously…
Twitter: violaestrella
says:
Great topic, Jeannie! This story is just so heart-breaking but I’m happy she was found alive unlike so many other unfortunate stories. It’s tough as parents to know where the line is. We can’t put a protective shield over our children because they won’t learn how to interact and socialize. Instilling fear only smothers them; it doesn’t teach them anything. But they have to realize there is danger out there and not everyone is safe. A local police officer came out to talk to the children in my neighborhood recently. He went over what to do if this happens or that happens and the kids really gobbled it all up. It made me realize that what they need is education and confidence in their decision-making skills. That’s just my take on it.
Twitter: jeannieruesch
says:
Viola, smothering definitely doesn’t instill a sense of good decision making. It’s a bit off topic, but my first “love” — my boyfriend on and off through jr. high and high school (and after) and his sister were children of parents who were beyond strict. And I DO mean beyond…they didn’t trust them to do anything. My parents were really good friends with them, so we were all allowed to play together… but I still remember how restrictive their lives were.
Later on, both of them broke out of the restrictions in very, very unhealthy, unhappy ways. And it wasn’t because their parents were strict, it was because they never trusted them or gave them an opportunity at younger ages to make decisions for themselves. So when these kids hit teenage years, the decisions they ended up hiding and choosing were far worse and far more destructive to their lives.
So I definitely agree, there is an element of teaching them to trust in their own abilities, too.
Goodness, Renee! What thing for a person to do. Baby feeds of mama’s stress. If she acts like that with everyone that admires the baby, that kid is gonna grow up afraid of its shadow.
I remember a video put out by Disney (well, it had Disney characters in it.) I think it was called Stranger Danger. John Wlash was it in and it did scenarios and the characters helped the kids through them. LOL My folks made us kids watch it a lot. I wonder if they still have the VHS. (now is that old or what?)
I like what Viola’s neighborhood did. That would be great here. The parents on my street let their kids out to play w/o supervision. Not a single adult! That will not be my kids. One day, I know I’ll have to let go. But it won’t be w/o a fight and a GPS locator hidden on them somewhere!
Jeannie, my older son was just like your son. He had a sweet little boy smile and a kind word for everyone he saw. And yes, a little of his innocence was taken when we taught him about strangers. Still, I let him walk home from the bus stop alone when he started school (at his insistence) and didn’t breathe quite right until I saw him round the corner each afternoon. It’s such a fine line — our kids need to learn independence, yet we yearn to keep them safe from harm at all times. I have to tell you, part of me is very glad my 16 year old is now 6′ 2″ and my 13 year old is 6′. Yet still I worry… That will never stop.
You tell him the very second he is old enough to understand. Sadly there are bad people and your son has to know, before, he ever meets one.
As far as I’m concerned, there is no such thing as too young or too soon when it comes to teaching your children “stranger danger”. I’d rather have my kids scared of strangers than abused or dead. A few years ago a 4-year old little boy was molested and killed, then tossed into a dumpster right here in my city. His parents let him roam around up and down the street and talk to whoever he wanted to because “we never heard of these things happening where we come from.”
I’ve always started from day one with my kids.
Great topic Jeannie! I am always so happy when the find missing children, like the Smart girl who was kidnapped several years ago from her own bedroom and then found with the man and his wife. I still think about little Madeline who was kidnapped a few years ago too… it’s so sad, and totally scares me to death.
I started talking to my oldest daughter about it pretty young. As I do with most things, I started with a book. We went to the library and checked out a few on strangers. I did this when she was around 3 or so. And I did it because she was so friendly and so willing to share every aspect of our lives with strangers, like “Mommy did this today…” “This weekend we’re going here…” She was going above and beyond the big hello with a smile.
We still talk about it now, and school talks about it too.
It did change things, she looked a little more cautious, would turn to me for approval before saying hi to the old lady shopping at Safeway, or even the child who waved hello. She even asked me why I was talking to strangers, so we had to go into how sometimes its okay to be polite and say hello when you are an adult. It always upset me when I saw, as you say, the innocent light leave her eyes a little, but better safe than sorry.
Now my 2nd daugher is a whole other story… she’s afraid to talk to some of our family members–let alone strangers! How do you cure that one???
When I was school aged my dad bought me a board game, “Don’t Talk to Strangers,” and we played it on the weekends, I’m still scared of strangers
I wonder if they still make that game?
Wonderful that this girl was found and alive. I sure hope she gets to learn what a real life is and to know freedom.
It is never to early to share with our children the dangers of strangers; keep reminding them b/c
they can so easily forget when candy is involved or
being asked to help find a stranger’s dog; they feel
they are helping but….
I’m glad for Jaycee and her family that she was found alive. They all have a long road ahead of them now as the healing process of what’s happened to her begins.
I’ve always tried to tell/teach my girls (now 13 and 16) that while they should be polite, they shouldn’t trust everyone they meet. That some strangers are dangerous and they should always be cautious. When they attended PS one year and they changed the bus stop or even waiting at the school to get on the bus home, we taught them that we’d never send someone to “pick them up”. And that if that did happen we had a code word that if some one said they were sent by us they had to know that word. Fortunately for us, we never had to use it and we’re back to homeschooling.
I don’t think its ever too early to teach children to be careful.
My daughter is like that too. She draws people to her with her bright eyes and infectious smile. While I don’t want her to be scared, I do want her to be savvy. It’s just hard to know that what you are doing is enough, you know, and when to start doing it.
Things are definitely different than how they were when I was a child, but that goes without saying. The world has changed.
I couldn’t imagine what the mother and daughter have gone through and suffered. I try to keep up with my kids as much as possible. I have even put emergency number on speed dial so that all they have to do is push that one number just in case.
I remember when me and my friends just played out in the strrets til dark. Even after dark we would sit outside with our friends. But today you never know what would happen.
Your son sounds like one of my grandsons. He is a very friendly person. He usually speaks to everyone he sees with at least a hello. It is hard to know what to say and when to say it without scaring them or turning them into a different person. I know at some point he will naturally lose that innocence that children have, but I don’t want it to happen any sooner than it will.
It’s never too early to be cautious but 4 months is too early to be panicky with a child.
One of the important things to remember is to teach kids that a stranger can be anyone. When I taught Head Start years ago we had a lot of kids who thought strangers looked mean and nice people couldn’t be strangers.
It’s a good idea to teach them to be cautious though. And as much as we don’t want to think about it, we have to make sure our kids understand that if ANYONE touches them inappropriately we tell them and that we BELIEVE them when they do. My friend was severely abused by her own grandfather since before she can remember until the age of 16.
I’m glad Jaycee was found and hope she can live a happier life now.