Just this past week, I cemented plans and bought airfare to attend the RWA national conference in July.  For those not involved with Romance Writers of America,  each year they hold a national conference.  This year, it happens to be in Washington D.C…. which is across the country from where I live.

More importantly, it’s across the country from my son.

On one hand, I can’t wait to go.  I’ll see friends, meet other MamaWriters, and have a great time.  On the other hand (and perhaps a few toes), this means I’ll be away from my son for five nights.

Five nights, which means six days without seeing his shining smile.

That thought makes my heart stop and I have to fight the urge to run to my child and give him the biggest hug possible, no matter how much he squirms to get back to his train set.  Is this something that goes away in time? When your children are older? Maybe when they are teenagers who hate you anyway?  I don’t know.  I do know as a mother of a toddler, it’s a hard decision to make.

It’s not that I think my son won’t be fine without me. I know he will. He’ll spend a week with his Papa and get some good male bonding time. To be frank, I’m more worried about MY reaction to my week away than his.

Last year’s RWA conference was my first.  I had just contracted my first book, I was thrilled and excited to go.  From the moment I arrived, it was a whirlwind of things to do, and I was constantly busy.  This was good.  This was, in fact, necessary to the survival of this first-time-away Mama.

Then Friday night rolled around and I found myself sitting in the lobby, waiting for friends.  30 minutes later, I was up in my room, crying and holding my son’s extra blanket (yes, I took it with me…and yes, I plan to do that again this year). I had hit the wall of “Missing My Baby” something fierce.  I had never been away from him for longer than a night, and while the writer in me was in heaven, the mama in me was miserable.  Because I was so close to home, I fought the urge to pack up and leave.  I stayed.  I was at the conference for a purpose and heck, I’d paid for that purpose.  My son was fine.  I had talked to him (well, at him through the phone.)   My husband gave me replays of his day.  But it was the Mama heart that struggled.

As Moms, we need to leave our children at times –to go to work every day or to go on business trips.  I’m fortunate enough to be home with my son during the week. My work allows for that and my husband works hard to make it happen. Believe me, I count my blessings every single day.

I know that as my career as an author grows, the need for me to travel a little more will grow as well.  Conferences.  Speaking engagements.  I’m excited about that direction for it means my career is growing.  It means I’m focused and dedicated and hopefully, step by step, making a name for myself in the industry I love.

It also means finding the balance of when it’s okay to leave my son and when it’s not okay.  How do I judge that? How will I know how much is too much — as much for myself as for him?  Being a mom is the biggest joy in my life and I don’t want to miss a minute of it.  But as any Mama with little children knows, every new event can be big.  From that first word to the first time he sees something new and exciting.  It’s ALL new and exciting to him, and I will miss moments by leaving.  We have to juggle what our careers need, what we need and being a part of their experiences. Part of that means letting go of something.

This year, I’m going to D.C.  I imagine I will have the time of my life. I will also snuggle up to my son’s blanket when I sleep.  I will probably cry at least once.  I will probably miss something new in his life.  But in the end, I can only hope that as my son gets older, he will be proud of his Mama…not just for being there when he needed me, but for being there when I need it.

————–

Jeannie Ruesch
SOMETHING ABOUT HER, available April 10, 2009, from The Wild Rose Press
~ “…a rich, well-presented story.”~RT Book Reviews
~ “A wonderful debut!” ~NYTimes bestselling author Gaelen Foley

www.jeannieruesch.com